McSweeney’s List (27 May 2026)
DON’T GIVE AWAY THE HOUSE
A couple of months ago, I started writing an essay about toxic empathy – the point at which our caring for others becomes detrimental to ourselves. I have a fair amount of first hand experience on the subject, and have seen people slip into this pit, never to be seen as their whole selves again. The piece started spilling out, and I realized I needed some facts to both make my point, and ground the piece in reality. The essay quickly became both newsy, and potentially controversial (because everything right now is simultaneously an emergency, and a meme of a Real Housewife scream-crying at a cat, so everything is controversial).
We understand the concept of toxic positivity: smiling as a cover, optimism to the point of dishonesty. The toxically positive are incapable of holding space for those who are experiencing darkness, because it challenges their lie. (I fear I might be both the Toxic Optimist, and the Dark One in that scenario, depending on the day). Toxic empathy is similar: it's the weaponization of our caring, and also our caring manifested in ways that will immediately or eventually harm ourselves or others. It's the moment our Best Selves and our Worst Enemy become the same person.
Self-sacrifice is noble in very specific situations. In poverty, you feed your child before yourself. In a crisis, you save the children and infirm first. If you die protecting someone, saving someone, that's nobility. But somehow we've turned self-sacrifice into a motto, and boundaries into a bad word.
Boundaries are vital to ensuring that we aren't throwing ourselves under the bus – the bus being stronger personalities, or opportunists with nefarious intentions, or causes that cannot be solved with the methods we have in place no matter how much we give. In those cases, our caring becomes toxic in that we become willing to ruin ourselves for the other.
The piece I started ended up with stats, links, real world examples of empathy turned poisonous. But I realized that all those things are available, and the dots remain disconnected. The point, however, remains valid and necessary, so in the interest of spreading truth as I perceive it, I had to find a way to write at least a version of the piece. Interesting things often manifest as a result of the constraints we place on our practice, whether that be using only certain colours on your pallet, or the necessity to use certain elements in a sketch show. The obvious answer then, was to turn away from concrete facts, and rely on vibes {insert jazz hands}.
Here are some thought experiments to illustrate.
1.
A homeless person asks for money. You don't have any cash on hand, so you offer them the granola bar you have. They're grateful, and it makes you feel good to help, (as it should) but you know it isn't enough, and you give them the rest of your lunch. You decide you can buy yourself something at work, knowing it will be more expensive and less nutritious, but you feel lucky that you can make that choice. You’re so privileged in the grand scheme, and it's a blessing that comes with responsibilities. You consider going to the bank machine to get him some money, but quickly realize that a few bucks one time won't help; he needs more, and he needs it now, and obviously he can't get it on his own. He needs you. Reaching into your pocket, you take out your house keys, you tell him the address, and you tell him to take it. After all, you can't just let him suffer. You take his cardboard sign, and his spot, knowing that if you go to your job now, you’ll lose this space, and you settle uncomfortably into your new life.
(I call this “giving away the house”...like, IRL, I've said this. I don't know where I got the analogy, but I know that’s what pops reflexively to mind when I see it. Be it emotional investments, time commitments, or cash, I remind myself that my own resources -- tangible and intangible -- are limited. If I give away more than I have, I will be left at rock bottom, requiring the equally limited resources of another to get back to zero. When I see someone else reaching for their proverbial keys to do this, I touch their hand to stop them.)
2.
Something terrible happens to your kid (or your mom or your sibling -- someone you love so hard you don't understand how it's possible). What's worse, someone did that terrible thing to them. At least they caught the guy, and he's been found guilty, and now he's up for sentencing. Still, you aren't feeling better; it all feels too sterile, too mathy. Your feelings are swampy and deep, and the procedural nature of this whole justice thing isn't scratching the itch. You want to talk to the person. You want to find out why this happened, why they did what they did. You manage to get an in-person meeting. You enter the menacing doors, through the metal detector, making your way to the concrete room where the person who did the bad thing sits handcuffed. You take your seat across from them, and introduce yourself. Finally, you ask the question that's been plaguing you: why?
“I've had a terrible life,” the Bad Guy says. People have done terrible things to me. Terrible things are all I understand now. It's normal to me.”
Would that satisfy you? Is it a competition to see who has suffered more, or is there a point at which actions speak for themselves and people who behave badly deserve punishment? What are the exceptions and excuses you allow when someone causes you harm? Would you stand by those same excuses if someone you loved was the one harmed? And if so, why do you have lower standards for your own welfare?
3.
Your daughter gets a scholarship. She deserves it; she's worked her butt off, gotten the grades, jumped through all the prerequisite hoops. She has a friend whose grades are much worse, and didn't even make the list to be considered. But that girl is super sad she didn't get it. She says she would've really locked it in if she had the chance, that she just needs the opportunity, and then she'd get her marks up.
Now your daughter is contemplating who deserves what, because the girl is nice, and probably could do better if she applied herself. Do you tell your kid it's all luck of the draw, or do you remind her that she earned her results? If your daughter wanted to give the other girl her scholarship (in a world where you could do that), would you encourage her sacrifice? Or would you tell her that this is hers -- an achievement built of a million tiny efforts and good choices? Would you remind her that her friend also built her own outcome?
Sometimes losing is the lesson. Sometimes it's the catalyst for change, sometimes it's part of a pattern where someone continues to lose, and continues to fail. But giving away the victories you've earned for the potential success of another can't be the solution. It lowers standards overall, and prevents the personal growth that is achieved through the evidence of consequences.
4.
They love you, and you know they do, as very much as they're capable of. And sure, they're rough around the edges, and sure it's kinda like snuggling a feral cat, but they appreciate you (generally speaking, and most of the time). They don't really mean it when they call you names; once everything's blown over they tell you as much. They cry, and say they don't know why you put up with them, and that you deserve so much better. And for some reason (likely the love stories that have been modeled for you over the years), the fact that they recognize that solidifies your conviction that they really are good in a fundamental sense. So you carry on, and you tell stories about why you can't go places. They aren't jealous, just protective. It's not that they don't trust you, it's that they don't trust other people. You've heard it so often that you believe it, and you repeat it. You swell with a bit of pride as you say it, because it's wonderful to be loved so hard. And sure, there's a downside, but everything has a downside, so you see it as a trade-off.
How long do you sacrifice yourself to the word love without the actions of Love? How long do you allow yourself to suffer in an effort to preserve the illusion? If someone who mattered to you had this type of relationship, would you support it, or try to make them see the destructive dysfunction?
And what if it's a friend who only calls when they need something? You think of them as family, and you shrug off the fact that the friendship lacks reciprocity because it feels good to be needed. You pick up tabs, and loan money (they'll pay you back one day, right?!); you pick them up when they need a ride, you comfort them as they cry, biting your tongue so you don't burden them with your problems. There will be a time, you presume, when the tables turn, their luck shifts, and they can be there for you the way you're currently there for them.
But would they? For them, it's perfect: you support without ever requiring support, you give without expectation of return. On one hand, perhaps they don't know that you need anything; they're so used to taking that they didn't realize you have needs too. On the other hand, why would they change? They take and take, and you keep showing up to give them more.
How long do you continue to feed their needs for free? How many friendships would you have to build to keep yourself full after all that pouring? Are you really helping that friend grow and improve, or are you encouraging them to stay an emotionally stunted dependent that can't stand on their own so that you can feel needed or good?
{End of thought experiments}
While I agree that we should strive for kindness – treating others as we would hope to be treated, remembering that we are all struggling in this experience of humanity – we also need to remember that boundaries are kindnesses to both ourselves and others. They save the resentment that builds when you give more than you receive in a relationship. They insulate against people who will willfully take advantage of your beautiful soft spots. They set expectations that remind both you and the other person that everything does in fact have standards and limits, and they create accountability for those who might claim they “didn't know”.
If someone is disrespectful to you, there probably isn't much to gain by losing your cool. On the other hand, letting it slide for some vague sense of genteel nobility will only get you more of the same. People react to changed circumstances, but rarely make improvements when everything is status quo – and especially not when their methods are getting them exactly what they want.
While I opt for magical thinking every chance I get, I recognize that the world rarely works that way. If you turn the other cheek, your aggressor will not be so moved by your grace that they change their ways, they'll just hit you again. If you trade your cows for beans, you will neither acquire a stalk of historic proportions nor a goose that lays golden eggs, you will simply be minus cows, and plus some beans. If the oxygen masks drop, you're advised to put yours on first, because if you endeavor to put it on your kid first, you could die trying, and they will die too. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
There's good news: there are a million ways to put your love into the world in healthy, helpful ways. We’ve heard them before: help a neighbor carry their groceries, help a stranger struggling up the stairs. Volunteer, build community, share what you can with those you love. Foster gratitude by showing appreciation – not just feeling someone matters to you deeply, but showing them, and telling them. Volunteering with animals or humans will offer precious help, and uplift you at the same time. Remember that you can't adopt them all (neither the pets nor the people), and a special shout-out goes to those who wish they could take them all in, but recognize the disservice they would do to the creatures if they became pet (or people) hoarders. When we recognize our limits, we can continue to pour into others without emptying ourselves. That's boundaries.
Statistics show that doing good for others raises our own sense of well being. We're actually wired to care! But if we manifest our desire to do good in a way that hurts ourselves, that's toxic empathy. Real, productive caring looks an awful lot like community building: relationship building, energy barter, mutually beneficial system building.
If we ask ourselves who benefits from us being perpetually empty, tired, and outraged…well, in personal relationships, that's the person taking advantage of you, because you’re easier to overrun that way. Globally, while we're running ourselves ragged, the people with power can throw us crumbs and call it a feast; they can change laws and standards so that we fight each other for space on the lowest rungs of society while they literally go to space for photo ops.
We need to give what we can, keep what we need, and remember that boundaries aren't selfish or cruel, they're the lane markers that allow everything to flow smoothly and safely…without giving away the house.
GROW WITH US: Call for Writers
If you are obsessed with Montreal's music, dance, or visual art scenes, we want to give you the platform, and the tools, to write about it. 🎨✨
Forget The Box(.ca) is Montreal's most devoted online arts magazine, covering and amplifying ground level, underground, and marginalized art. We are the main project of Forget The Box Media, a federally incorporated not-for-profit organization. 🏛️
We are looking for people who are passionate about Montreal's arts community! Whether you're a seasoned journalist, an aspiring critic, or an artist who wants to pivot to writing, we provide the support to help you shape your ideas, alongside a dedicated platform to get your work published and read by the local community. 🫂
As we expand our coverage, we're looking to recruit writers interested in three vital sectors: music 🎸 everything from DIY loft shows and underground releases to local indie labels pushing boundaries; dance 💃 everything from street and contemporary, to experimental movement that defines Montreal's physical spaces; and visual art 🖼️ highlighting the indie galleries, street art, and artist-run centres that make up our city's creative ecosystem.
Forget The Box(.ca) offers writers:
💰 Honorariums
🧠 Writing Workshops
👥 One-on-one mentorship
🎟️ Access to local art events
📣 A Platform
🤝 Community
🚀 Open doors to larger publications
You don't need a big portfolio to start. If you have thoughts on local music, dance, or visual art, and want to spotlight some of the great work of local artists, reach out to us! 👋
📷 First photo: Provided by @growvemtl at @turbo_haus
📷 Second photo: Provided by @wafdcreations, taken by @susanmossphotography, featuring performers Rémy Saminadin, Nindy Banks, and Marie-Reine Kabasha
📷 Third photo: Provided by @wip.works, featuring work by @alexis1million
How to Apply: 📬
To get started, send an email to our Editor-in-Chief, Candice Ann, at candice@forgetthebox.ca. Tell us a bit about yourself, why you want to cover the scene, and any relevant experience you might have (experience is not required). 📩
NEW COMEDY NIGHT
We’re bringing the park vibes indoors! Come hang with us at Shaïka Café for a fun, relaxed, and spontaneous night of stand-up comedy. Our jokes pair best with a slice of their carrot cake!
Hosted by Zak Kik (producer and host of the Girouard Park comedy shows), and Vance Michel (producer and host of The World’s Smallest Comedy Night).
WHAT: Stand-up Comedy at Shaïka Café
WHERE: Shaïka Café, 5526 Sherbrooke St W, Montreal, Quebec H4A 1W2
WHEN: Every Thursday @ 7 PM
METRO: Vendôme (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
WALKING MUSIC
Verdun Porchfest is this weekend! One day 106 shows. WHAAAAT?! You definitely can't catch ‘em all, so some tough decisions will have to be made.
It's the best way to discover the borough that was voted the 11th coolest city in the world by Time Out Magazine (2020), with Wellington crowned the Coolest Street in the world in 2022. Does that mean the music will be extra good and cool? I'm gonna vote yes.
It all happens Saturday. Check out these artists now to schedule your perfect show day!
WHAT: Porchfest Verdun
WHERE: Porches across Verdun
WHEN: Saturday, May 30, 10 AM - 9 PM
METRO: De l’Église (Green)
DETAILS: Porchfest Verdun
CALLING ALL ANALOGUE WRITERS & INK LOVERS
Scriven Montreal is an annual, local Eastern Canadian pen and stationery show, and it's this weekend!
It features a great community of fountain pen, writing, and art enthusiasts. At each show, you will find some big name brands, shops from Eastern Canada, and many local artisans, pen makers, nib meisters, and more! There’s also a great selection of workshops!
Entry is FREE to this event.
We want you to be inspired! We even have a coffee area reserved just for sitting and sharing your discoveries.
There will be TWICE as many vendors this year. We expect we will grow every year, and look forward to you helping make that happen!
WHAT: Scriven Montreal Pen Show 2026
WHERE: Centre St. Jax, 1439 St. Catherine St. West, Montreal, H3G 1S6
WHEN: Saturday, May 30, 10 AM - 5 PM
METRO: Guy-Concordia (Green)
DETAILS: ScrivenMTL
SCRATCH THAT ITCH
The goal of Sunday Scratch Sessions is to unite the turntablist community, foster the development of our scratch culture, provide a platform for the exchange of ideas and musicality and promote the elevation of our craft.
DJ's and turntablists of all skill levels and musical genres are invited to join us. The Sunday scratch sessions now incorporate a live band that accompanies us in our improvised scratch sessions: Drums, keys, and bass. Turntablists: 4 Turntables + 4 Mixers (Open deck).
Hosted by Manzo & Overflow.
WHAT: Sunday Scratch Sessions #109
WHERE: 4035 St. Ambroise, Montreal, H4C 2E1
WHEN: Sunday, May 31, 12 - 4 PM
METRO: Place-Saint-Henri (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
TRIPLE THE TUNES
Three very different sounds, one night under the same roof. Mixed Signals brings together a lineup that’s eclectic, warm, loud, emotional, and a little unpredictable in the best way.
Featuring:
Hestiaa is a fiery Montreal-based duo, comprised of Rachel Campbell and Brenna Logan. Inspired by their celtic and eastern Canadian roots, these two women produce a versatile fusion of traditional and modern music. With a fiddle, a guitar and two voices, their sound is comparable to artists like Solas, Siobhan Miller and Natalie Macmaster.
Chubby Hearts Club is what rock & roll is supposed to be - raw, human, and fun as hell. Perfectly imperfect, get ready for loud guitars, big feelings and zero bullshit.
The Organ Donors are a jam band trio built around the thunderous rich sound of the Hammond B3. Blending blues, jazz, soul, and psychedelic rock, they deliver dynamic, high-energy sets full of sprawling jams and deep-pocket grooves.
🎟️ $20 at the door
Come hang, have a drink, discover some local music, and make a night of it.
WHAT: Mixed Signals - The Organ Donors • Chubby Hearts Club • Hestiaa
WHERE: Turbo Haüs, 2040 St. Denis St., Montreal, H2X 3K7
WHEN: Sunday, May 31, Doors @ 7 PM, Show @ 8 PM
METRO: Sherbrooke (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
World’s Smallest Comedy Night has so many cool things happening, so here are their events this week in order!
What Do You Know? Like, Seriously…
Tonight! Come to Hurley's for Trivia Night, and get bonus laughter! Enjoy delicious pub fare, and get ready to show off your trivia skills. Grab your team, and enjoy this night of comedy, friendly competition, and great company!
This edition is hosted by Vance Michel, featuring Chris Venditto, Nazeer khan, and James Mancini.
WHAT: Trivia Night at Hurley's
WHERE: Hurley's Irish Pub, 1225 Crescent St., Montreal, H3G 2B1
WHEN: Every Wednesday @ 8 PM
METRO: Lucien l'Allier (Orange) & Guy-Concordia (Green)
RSVP: Eventbrite
Classic Coke
Beat the Monday Blues with WSC’s OG offering, The World's Smallest Comedy Night!
Enjoy a showcase of the best comedians in the city, hot up-and-comers, national and international touring comics, and surprises!
This edition is hosted by Walter Lyng, featuring Serge Nkusi, Charles Montgomery, Radu Sona, Matthew Bourjeli, Nazeer Khan, Edyson Dufort, Chris Venditto, and surprise guests!
WHAT: World's Smallest Comedy Night
WHERE: Hurley's Irish Pub, 1225 Crescent St., Montreal, H3G 2B1
WHEN: Every Monday, Doors @ 7 PM, Show @ 8 PM
METRO: Lucien l'Allier (Orange) & Guy-Concordia (Green)
TICKETS: Eventbrite
Dirty Monday
The Monday Night Dirty Mic is the place to be! Hosted by Vance Michel, every show is an unpredictable and unique experience as a hilarious collection of comedians from newbs to pros take the stage. See the best before anyone else, and catch seasoned locals doing their freshest funnies!
Comics: show-up, sign-up
WHAT: Monday Night Dirty Mic
WHERE: Hurley's Irish Pub, 1225 Crescent St., Montreal, H3G 2B1
WHEN: Every Monday, Sign-up @ 10 PM, Show @ 1030 PM
METRO: Lucien l'Allier (Orange) & Guy-Concordia (Green)
DETAILS: Facebook
